Just as Xellius said, lower the settings for the game to get a better FPS. Being very jumpy it will turn people off, even though you're talking over the game, visually some people may not want to watch it being so jumpy.
You have an echo in the audio which can be a bit distracting. Try and get something that won't reverberate your voice.
Also, get some energy into it. When you speak there's very little energy and it seems monotone. It's not bad, I've seen other people commentate and it's like watching paint dry. You have a bit of energy already in the video, but just up-it a bit more.